You Can't Do Change Alone
..and it's way more fun with help.
Sound Familiar?
The lone wolf.
“I’ve got it.”
“I don’t need any help.”
“I can’t trust anyone.”
“I can’t/won’t/don’t ask for help.”
…it’s all bull shit.
Truth bomb: you can’t do it alone…
"Every human instinct is honed not for life on your own, but for life in a tribe. Humans need tribes as much as bees need a hive." — Johann Hari, Lost Connections
…and why would you want to?
For meaningful change, for transformation, for a new life...help is required.
Relational by Nature
We don’t actually know who we are in isolation — we know who we are in relation to others.
Our self isn’t a fixed thing, alone in a room. It is revealed, confirmed, challenged, and reshaped by relating with others.
We can’t see our face without a mirror. We can change it, frown, smile, laugh, but won’t be able to see it. To see what it looks like and what that means.
I often think I am smiling, well, smirking a bit. I am trying to smile. My wife lets me know that it’s a straight face. So helpful (and has me practicing smiling!).
We need the mirror. We need others so we can see ourselves.
They provide reflection, response, reaction, laughter, and connection.
Others can also keep us where we are. Lives tied together. Family, friends, soccer teams, bowling clubs, political parties, traditions, culture, all of it.
To change… parts of this may have to change.
Identity Runs Our Life
Our lives are built around our identity.
The conversations we have, the work we do, who our friends are, the place we live, what we watch, what we read, what we bring to the BBQ, the team we cheer for, the instrument we play.
Identity informs the story we tell ourselves about who we are. Often backed by evidence, sometimes by delusion.
To change, to live the life of your dreams, there is a price of admission…
The price is your old life.
Your current identity.
Potentially your relationships.
The safety nets.
Possibly some income.
Maybe even the grande double-blended Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino, extra whip, extra drizzle with sprinkles.
Because the person you are in the life of your dreams doesn’t drink sugar anymore.
(Link)
…there’s something to overcome.
Your old self wants to hang on to your old life. To stay comfortable. To stay with the known. To keep the identity going.
“Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity…and at such a moment, one clings to what one knew.” — James Baldwin
But we’ve seen that show.
You have been here before.
Right now, you may be feeling that it’s time to change. To turn the channel. To move on.
But change is hard.
Change is Disorienting
Change is really hard.
Change requires resources. Change means uncertainty.
Change reveals that we don’t know the answer.
It’s therefore uncomfortable. At times overwhelming.
It can feel like being in a washing machine. Disorienting, tossing us around, upside down, relentless.
This is part of the price.
Jumping back in the washing machine. Going through another cycle. As many times as it takes.
All the Answers
While I have known this for some time, it’s only in the past year that I have really brought this into my life.
I am pretty good at showing up and being consistent for long periods of time. I have sent out tens of thousands of texts to friends and family and colleagues. Held groups for habit change. Attended a myriad of seminars and ceremonies and have worked really, super hard on myself.
I have been through some pretty large life changes. Big moves (overseas) and to the side of a mountain.
Alas, when I decided to make a pivot professionally, I simply could not walk the path alone. I needed help.
The help has made all the difference.
When I hired my first coach, everything changed.
There was someone there for me. Holding the vision of my life and what I was trying to do. Helping to clarify where I am going.
Holding me to account.
Thanks David Stegman
You were never supposed to figure this out alone — not because you’re not capable, but because that’s not how humans are built.
Help is Helpful.
And the potential for help to help can be increased.
Help can be more helpful if you plant a flag.
Make a commitment.
Pay for the help. With time, money, reciprocity.
Help is even more impactful when the commitment is a stretch. To the edge of what is comfortable and maybe a bit beyond.
You pay the fee. You make an investment in yourself.
The universe needs to see you are committed to this.
Then the Magic starts to happen.
Find someone who has walked the path you are seeking to walk because there is no substitute for experience.
“Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness... were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.” — Rilke
And allow yourself to be helped.
Maybe even have some fun along the way.
P.S. If this post resonates with you, I coach people navigating change, uncertainty, or a life that no longer fits.
It is relational coaching rooted in presence, honest conversation, and support for what you’re carrying as you move toward who you’re becoming.
Learn more here.
Reach out here: krisnsmith@pm.me
P.P.S. Posting this one while pondering this…
"In order to make brilliant things, you have to have the courage to make mediocre things." - Cathy Heller
I wasn't intentionally trying to prove you wrong Kris, I'm just "frugal".
Seriously though, thanks, for the regular help, and the firm reminders that I need more help.
As you know, I've submitted, finally...
Love you man.