The Biggest Learning

The value of presence.

When I started out coaching, I was (and still am) super keen to help others, bring value, and support them.

It all comes from a good place, the right place, and I have learned a few things.

Silence.

Simply listening. Hearing the other person. Holding the space.

Sometimes this can go for more than 20 minutes, even longer.

A client sharing what is happening, what they are alive to, recounting recent experiences, providing reflections.

They are working through things by talking through it.

I am present.

Regulated.

Not waiting to say something.

Bearing witness.

Receiving.

When appropriate, and I am still learning when that is, I can offer a reflection, a story, a framework.

It is such an honour to be able to do this work.

So eternally grateful.

They Are Training You

The value of people’s attention is driving record stock prices for certain companies. With algorithms leveraging behavioural science to capture your dopamine system and get you to pick up your phone, scroll, and buy stuff…without thinking.

To train you. To optimize shareholder value.

With the expansion of AI into everything, this training will only get more focused, harder to resist, and negatively impactful.

Your attention is your most valuable resource.

…Where your attention goes, your life flows.

I choose to be optimistic about AI. It’s pretty darn amazing already. Alas, we are facing a future where being unconnected is less and less likely.

Connected all the time, always on, with endless inbound.

The Most Valuable Resource: Your Attention

The opportunity, and challenge, we are all faced with is maintaining and expanding our capacity to be present.

To show up in our lives regulated, well resourced, present and accounted for.

I wrote recently about the opportunity to add more analog back into life and some strategies to do that:

Your Attention, Your Presence…Is You.

Whether you choose to to do this in the morning, the evening or throughout your day, where your attention is focused will create your life.

Opportunity: Preserve your attention.

So you know yourself.

So you can be yourself.

So you can bring your gifts to the world.

Be Palpable

My belief is that people’s ability to be present will continue to decline. I hope I am wrong.

As a result, when we come across someone who is actually present, embodied, regulated, and listening - it will be palpable.

We will feel them.

We will know there is a difference.

I intend to be palpable*

*Definition

1. (Literal) Able to be touched or felt.

2. (Figurative) So intense as to seem almost tangible; easily perceptible by the mind or senses.

3. Plain to see or comprehend; obvious and clear.

AI will probably take some, maybe all?, of the work I have done historically. And to be honest, AI can have it.

I am way more interested in connecting with others.

To be present.

To witness.

Let me know if you want to hop on a call.

All the Answers

I’ve got all the answers…for everyone else.

I can look at what they’re up to and prescribe the ways to make their life better with complete (and totally imagined) certainty.

My little ego has all the fixes. All the solutions.

Better sleep, get up earlier, journal, move your body, no alcohol, low sugar (still very much working on this), and much much more.

Just do what I do…

The Mirror I Can’t See

I have no idea what my face looks like as I move through the day.

Unless there is a mirror around or I am on a call with self view on (admittedly, I have been turning that off lately), I have no idea how my face looks.

This is a good metaphor. In my experience, it’s difficult to see myself and how I am in my life.

It’s easy to see others cutting people off in traffic.

When I do it, I am just in a hurry.

From the inside, things make sense and are lined up (mostly) yet I get feedback that this may not be the case.

Two things are true at once:

1. I can see how it is for others.

2. It’s difficult to see how it is for me.

Judgement

I have been asking others how they think about this duality.

Gathering input, advice, reflections.

The idea that I/we can look at another person in our life (a partner, children, parents, friend, colleagues, strangers) and have the answers for them.

To know what they should do.

Alas, this is my judgement.

I wrote about it here with the help of

Summarizing thought:

Doing My Work

Here’s the truth, and this is hard to write and to own, is that underneath it all is a bit of rightousneous.

Judgement: I am doing my work and you should be doing your work.

Oh and maybe I know the work you should be doing too.

Full of Shit

The thing is…I have no idea.

I don’t know what you or they should be doing.

I am still working out what the hell I can be doing.

Maybe some basic stuff like manners, being on time, honouring your word, but even that is still all of my projection.

It’s just my opinion. My take on things. My perspective.

Simply put, I know (mostly) what might work for me and can admit that it may never work for you/them.

And that all my answers are simply that: my answers.

The Only Answer: Do My Work

I am careful with the therapy-speak of “doing my work” so I will clarify:

I see this as doing the things that I need, and want, to do so I can show up in my life how I want to show up.

Simple things like good sleep, healthy diet, move my body, smile.

Complex (yet still simple) things like being a good man, husband, father, son, provider.

Be the Change We Want to See

This all boils down to the ever present opportunity for me to take care of myself.

To do the things and be the change that I seek to see in the world.

To model, as much as possible, what that looks like.

To be the best I (we) can be, or at least strive for that, and to be an example of that pursuit.

From David on April 22, 2021

It’s Not What I Say

It’s what I do.

How I show up in my life.

In my home.

As a man, as a husband, as a father.

I lead myself and in this is always the answer in all outcomes in life.

In my home, I am the light house. The tent pole. I hold up the tent.

I can be an example to others, and they can be an example for me.

My wife. My kids. My friends. My colleagues. My parents. Perfect strangers.

This path is the only path.

Help Can Be Helpful

Because I can’t see the mirror sometimes, having someone(s) hold up the mirror has been powerful. Post

Happy to talk about this with you.

Thanks for being here.

You are amazing.

Kris

On a recent call with he talked about this model.

The idea that we are spinning tops in our lives.

When things are flowing, we spin upright and move through life more easily.

Stable. Congruent. Grounded.

Other times we may fall or be knocked off center. We wobble.

We may be able to manage through it.

We may need some help getting back to spinning upright again.

Sometimes we collapse.

The top is knocked over completely. We are on the ground. Help is required to get upright again. We have an opportunity to change.

The Steady Spin

Life is unfolding. Effortless? or Effortful but it flows.

Stuff is happening!

Life is rolling.

We are in Alignment in most, possibly all?!, parts of life

Enjoy it.

And be aware that there is a risk of a groove forming. Comfort here may keep us from growth here.

The Gift of the Wobble

The "wobble" is the day-to-day friction of trying to improve, while getting "knocked off" is the death of the old identity and the birth of a new one.

There’s a difference.

Understanding if we are wobbling, or worse, can inform how to move through it.

The Correctible Wobble, Incremental Growth

A novel wobble, something has happened, it is recent.

A part of you is off, it could be better, the rest of you is doing pretty well. Same with your life.

• For example, work is a challenge while your marriage, parenting, and health are pretty good.

You find stability between wobbles. You can recharge and recover.

You can see the issue, or have an idea what it is.

You have a sense for what you can do to address this.

Action in a particular direction, even through fear, can address this.

Your base expands, you are more stable going forward.

The spinning can continue, even with a bit of a wobble.

Can often be moved through with a bit of help.

May expand parts of your life yet fits in it without breaking other pieces.

Opportunity: Embrace the Wobble.

The potential is to develop a stronger, wider, more stable core with new capacity, enhanced resilience.

From this place we can move around life with more power.

The top might look the same from the outside but is more stable.

The Terminal Wobble, Transformational Growth

A recurring pattern or problem. It’s familiar, known…comfortable?

Impacts every aspect of life. Work, relationships, health. All of it.

Brings us to our knees. We lose sleep.

We can’t always see it. Something is really off. We may deny it is, we may be blind to it.

Trying harder may actually make this worse.

Exhaustion at a soul level.

When the top falls over and the spinning stops…then what?

The top can’t pick itself up and start spinning again…help is mandatory.

It requires dramatic change. A new identity. Transformation.

Some part, deep within us, is awake and asking for more.

Opportunity: Tranform

Can we step into the collapse? Receive the help? Grow into what we were being called into?

The top might look totally different.

It will spin different. Life is different.

Where are you?

Spinning, wobbling, on the ground?

We often spend to much energy trying to keep things spinning steadily. We might even forget why we are working so hard to keep that going.

It’s easy to forget that we build strength when we wobble. This is when the growth comes.

We transform when we let go, when we collapse.

If you are on the ground right now, can you ask for and accept the help? Can you surrender and allow something new to take shape.

You will spin again, but it won’t be the same.

To be yourself.

To not perform.

To let them down.

To draw a boundary.

To change your mind.

To not be okay.

To be okay.

To take up space.

To speak your mind.

To say nothing.

To try new things.

To run experiments.

To fail completely.

To succeed.

To cheer for yourself with outrageous joy and happiness.

To be at your best.

To be at your worst.

To feel what you feel.

To tell others you love them.

To love yourself.

To be different.

To be the same.

To stop.

To quit.

To pause.

To step back.

To race forward.

To strive.

To lean in.

To keep going.

To go to bed early.

To stay up late.

To sleep in.

To get out of bed at a ridiculously early time because you need to do the thing that you need to do.

To eat the cookies.

To fast.

To not know what’s happening in the news.

To take a bath.

To enjoy a book.

To watch a movie.

To enjoy sex.

To jump in a lake.

To be as you are, whatever that is, right now.

To say “next”.

To move on.

To stay.

To change.

To stay the same.

To struggle.

To grow.

To laugh your ass off.

To savour that cup of coffee.

To keep reading.

To breathe.

To have a great day.

Fully in support and here to help you to be you.

• Powerful, most often digital,forces want to steal your attention.

• “Stolen Focus” is a great book describing this.

• Returning to the Analog: more time with zero phone, writing by hand, reading paper, touching grass are great antidotes to this.

Changing BrAIn

I have been working with AI quite a bit.

Building projects and agents and pulling stuff of GitHub and installing Python and a number of things that I have never done before.

It’s amazing, a dash frightening, and I think my brain is changing shape in real time.

The agreeability of the models. The endless patience. The synthetically human responses. The endless praise for my random and often mundane observations.

All of these resulting in what I think could be called “AI Brain”.

A squishier, less sharp, version of my brain.

Impact: struggling to finish posting here. Struggling to complete my thoughts. Seems like I can start and get to 75% but the last 25% has been elusive.

…until I changed the start to my day and went totally analog.

Struggling to Stay Focused

Thing is, even before the AI stuff, I was noticing an impact to my capacity to focus for long stretches.

I love podcasts and audiobooks and music generally. So I was often “plugged in” listening at 2x speed to pound more stuff into my brain.

To find the answers!

In doing so, I became a bit addicted, aka totally addicted, to consuming. At the same time, I struggled to remember much of what I was actually consuming.

A recent post from spoke truth to this…

Something I have recently changed my mind about: the ROI on all those podcasts is terrible.

My time is valuable and scarce.

My attention is priceless.

My phone is here to steal both.

Stolen Focus

Highly recommend this book by

Central Claim: the attention crisis isn’t a personal failing it’s a systemic problem fuelled by poor incentives.

Apps, food, the sheer volume of information available, and the fight for our attention, our “engagement”, has created a world that our biology can’t contend with.

Stealing Attention: business models are built around getting and keeping our attention. There is a huge cost of switching tasks, of switching our focus.

We seldom have time to be bored and let our minds wander, which impairs our creativity. Sleep is critical and often over looked. The speed of information and life has increased thus devaluing a slower approach.

What Helps: flow states are the goal yet require removing distractions BEFORE they happen. Planning ahead. Pre-commitment over willpower (ex. leave the phone in another room) is worth it.

Plan and protect time to be bored. Read long form. Read fiction. Get good sleep! Pay attention to what you are really curious about.

In sum, being more focused has huge benefits and it requires us to be more focused.

How do we create that?

Going Analog

I am a morning person and I set my day with a morning routine.

Which I highly recommend because it works well for me, and apparently it worked for Marcus Aurelius…

From the Daily Stoic:

Marcus’s Daily Routine = Analog

• Journal

• Physical exercise: walking, lifting, boxing.

• Nature: touch the grass, get outside, see the sun.

• Cold exposure

• Converse with others

• Practice seeing the mundane, appreciating simplicity.

• Then go to work.

Analog in a Digital World

Adding to Marcus’s routine are a few modern opportunities.

1. No Phone means No Phone.

No music. No podcasts. Nothing.

Leave it in another room at the start and end of your day.

For an hour.

Enjoy the silence.

Impact: this was hard to implement and has been a substantial improvement. There is no artificial “inbound” coming into my brain. I actually get a chance to experience my thoughts, and how random they are. To understand what I think.

To allow answers to arrive, to ask better questions.

2. Writing by hand, on paper, for at least 15 minutes

A version of morning pages.

Impact: this has had a huge impact on decluttering my brain. I feel restored after this process. It’s a random string of whatever comes to mind. No rules, no intent, no plans to save or re-read what is written.

It seems to clear out the space in my brain.

3. Breathe

Impact: having a daily breath practice helps me shift more fully into my body, get out of my head.

Benefits of the Analog

The impact has been significant.

My brain is sharper.

I can gather my thoughts, write them out, and get to a place where this might be worth posting.

Crucially, I can work with AI and still get my thoughts out in other places.

Any other ideas you’ve had success with?

Is there something above you are willing to try out?

Highly Recommended Read/Listen…

The Core Argument

Hari’s central claim is that the attention crisis isn’t a personal failing — it’s a systemic problem engineered by powerful forces. We’ve been sold the story that we’re distracted because we lack willpower or discipline, but the evidence points elsewhere: our environment has been redesigned to fragment our focus, and it’s working exactly as intended.

Why Our Attention Is Being Stolen

• The tech industry’s business model. Social media platforms are built around “engagement,” which is really just another word for captured attention. The longer they hold your eye, the more ad revenue they generate. So they hire the best behavioral scientists in the world to figure out how to keep you scrolling. Variable reward loops (like slot machines), outrage algorithms, and infinite scroll are all deliberate design choices — not accidents.

• The switch cost effect. Every time you switch tasks — from deep work to a notification, then back — your brain pays a tax.

Studies Hari cites suggest it takes an average of 23 minutes to fully return to a state of focus after an interruption. Most of us interrupt ourselves every few minutes, meaning we almost never reach deep concentration at all.

• The collapse of mind-wandering. One of the most interesting points in the book:

Boredom and mind-wandering aren’t empty states, they’re when your brain consolidates memories, generates creative insight, and makes meaning.

By filling every idle moment with our phones, we’ve essentially starved that process.

• Sleep deprivation. Hari dedicates significant space to sleep as a foundation for attention. Screens before bed suppress melatonin and compress the sleep stages where memory and attention are restored. We’re running chronically depleted.

• Diet, environment, and childhood development. He goes broader than most books on this topic — connecting attention problems to ultra-processed food, reduced free play in childhood, and increasing childhood stress. These aren’t just lifestyle notes; he frames them as systemic failures.

• The speed of everything. Books, articles, conversations — everything has sped up. Hari argues we’ve culturally devalued the slow, patient attention that deep reading and long-form thought require.

Strategies and What Actually Helps

Hari is honest that individual solutions are partial — he’s clear that the full fix requires collective and political action (regulating attention-harvesting business models).

But in the meantime:

• Flow states are the goal. Getting into deep, absorbed attention (what Csikszentmihalyi called “flow”) is both the antidote and the reward. You get there by removing distractions before they happen, not by fighting them in the moment.

• Pre-commitment over willpower. Rather than relying on in-the-moment restraint, remove the option. Phone in another room, app blockers, phone-free hours.

Willpower is unreliable; environment design is durable.

• Protect unstructured time. Deliberately doing nothing — walks without podcasts, sitting without a phone — reactivates the default mode network and restores creative and reflective capacity.

• Read long-form. Hari is a strong advocate for books specifically, not just as content but as attention training. The act of following a long argument for hours rebuilds the cognitive muscle.

• Sleep as a non-negotiable. Getting 7–9 hours, protecting the last hour before bed from screens, and treating sleep as an attention intervention rather than a luxury.

• Reconnect with intrinsic motivation. When we’re pulled by genuine curiosity or meaning rather than pushed by notifications, our attention is naturally more sustained and less fragmented.

• Collective solutions. Hari ends with a vision of political action — pushing for regulation of manipulative design practices the way we regulate cigarettes. Individual change alone, he argues, is like trying to lose weight while food companies can market junk food to your kids.

Growth is in the Wobble

On a recent call with he talked about this model.

The idea that we are spinning tops in our lives.

When things are flowing, we spin upright and move through life more easily. Stable. Congruent. Grounded.

Other times we may wobble. We may falter or be knocked off center. We may be able to manage through the wobble and/or we may need some help to get stable again. Growth, opportunities, and novelty come through the wobble.

Sometimes we collapse. We fall or are knocked over completely. On the ground. Help is required, we can’t get upright without it. We are changed. Transformation is possible. We may spin differently afterwards.

Grains of Sand

How do you move a dune of sand?

Action to start, followed by relaxing.

Motion is started, the first grains of sand move, momentum builds, grain by grain, over time, the whole dune is shifted. At some point the last few grains of sand finally settle into a new position.

To change, to make change, requires a beginning followed by action.

If action is carried out for a long enough time, anything is possible.

Begin, then keep going.

This is how it is in life, things can change slowly over a long time period, and then suddenly all at once it is complete.

Play the Long Game

It’s the only game to play.

Your reputation crawls into town and rides out on horseback.

Your reputation. How you show up. How you treat others - matters.

Seem obvious?

Showing up, treating others well, doing what you said you would do, offering kindness, telling the truth, checking in on others, helping others, and simply being a decent person can have immediate and long term benefit.

As I am working to build this coaching business and another business, I am aware of the gifts of how my past self showed up.

Realizing that a number of professional relationships (and friendships) have lasted well over 20 years is gratifying. These relationships have been maintained, sometimes across long distances.

The reflection is that long before now, I took the opportunity to show up as best as possible in my life.

My past self took care of current self.

This can make all the difference when staying in touch with people and reconnecting with others.

In the comments, let me know what resonates.

This blog began with me intending to build in public. To show the journey of starting my coaching practice.

Initial momentum was substantial.

So many calls, lots of energy, some great insights, even getting paid!

And then I lost my way. Maybe I took the easy way.

Playing It Safe?

Over the past few weeks, it’s possible that I let all of the uncertainty get the best of me.

While I was still stretching and testing the edges, I have been nowhere near the level of the Creme Brûlée…

Today, helped me remember what is required:

More action, more reps, more fear.

Repeat.

And that there is an Unavoidable Truth:

It’s uncomfortable being uncomfortable.

Everything All At Once

A quick list of most of the things going on in my life right now:

• Professional shift: into coaching, advisory work with a different focus, a startup as well, more writing (getting paid (a tiny bit)), no safety net.

• My beloved wife just retired to figure out what is next.

  • So we are “income light” right now. It’s new term I just coined.

• Selling the house.

• Moving cities.

• Kids, well young adults, moving out.

  • Likely 2 less kids under our roof later this year

• Random stuff: water well leaking, hot water tank leaking, Airbnb cancellations, car issues, gravel driveway being washed away by rain…the stuff of life that is always happening.

• Gratefully we are healthy, vibrant, crazy, and continuing forward, and still having some laughs at the dinner table.

A Bit of Grace

Yes I lost my way.

I have never been here before.

There has been so much newness that I am not sure I have really caught up to it all, perhaps I never will.

Some grace for myself is warranted. It’s needed.

I am doing my best.

Begin Again

I have no idea what AI brings, and I have been down some rabbit holes lately.

I choose optimism and I don’t think it’s coming, I think it’s already here.

In all outcomes, I continue to believe that human connection will be valuable.

It might become invaluable.

So I begin again…

More action, more reps, more fear.

Repeat.

Planting a Flag (again)

I am a coach.

Can I help you?

Let’s hop on a call.

Help me practice.

Thank you.

Start the day making at least one thing first.

And/Or maybe putting some good into the world.

Then you can consume.

Stretch goal: create 3 things before you consume.

Examples of Creation

• Writing (and ideally posting)

  • Songs, podcasts, apps, Notes in Substack, other.

• Telling someone you love them, are thinking about them

  • Call them, text them, email them.

• Taking someone a coffee

• Being of service which can be a wide range from holding the door open to buying someone groceries.

• Basically putting some good into the world.

Creating Requires Practice

I’ve been noticing that writing has been a bit more challenging lately. I have good ideas and themes, can start the post, even get it to 75% done, but the last 25% is elusive. My brain struggles to get there.

Maybe it’s just a season as a creator? Likely I need to push through and intend to do so.

I am also wondering if something else, something new, is at play. This came up in a conversation about AI.

What if using AI more frequently is impacting our creative muscles?

It’s not clear to me what is happening.

What seems true is that I need to create in order to be able to create.

It’s a muscle that needs to be used.

One approach will be to start the day creating.

While I struggle to get the next post posted, here are a few pieces worthy of consideration from some excellent creators.

“What Nobody Tells You About Achieving Your Wildest Dreams”

-

Post

... the next morning, you wake up without a dream.

It’s the wanting of the dream that is satisfying, not the having.

It’s great to achieve your dreams, but make sure you’ve diversified your dreams enough, across enough areas of your life, so that you never wake up one day without one.

How to Build a Wealth Mindset

-

She really brings it in this episode, here’s her summary:

1. We Desire and Receive on behalf of the collective.

2. Abundance creates Abundance

3. You print whatever is happening in the energetic vibration. When you are in overflow and wholeness...you can’t help but walk into Abundance because it is you.

4. The creator of the universe has the tap on full blast and is looking for everyone of us to be a big enough vessel to pour through. So our job is to receive and allow it all to be so good.

5. Desire is an invitation from the universe saying build it, create it, make more space for it, show a greater expansive possibility.

6. The fun in this life is to keep growing your desire and turn thoughts into things. The better it gets, the better it gets.

7. Money is always a match for what you believe is yours.

8. Wealth is not created from effort, Wealth is created by the assumptions you live from.

9. When you change who you believe that you are and you operate from that place a whole different reality shows up.

“Once You Start, You’re Halfway There”

-

The only real demon here is the possibility of inaction.

Green light your own glory. Your contentment.

To live life fully is a decision.

Step 1: Believe it’s possible

Step 2: Believe you are worthy

Step 3: GO! (everything else works itself out)

9:36 Mark…

Your Greatness

What is it like when you are at your best?

When you are in your body (and out of your head)?

Feeling your heart?

Who are you when you are at your best?

What does it look like in your life?

How does it feel?

What did you come here to do in this life?

Who are you?

There is greatness in you.

Something that is uniquely yours. Your God given gift. God, the Universe, the Field, your soul…source.

Uniquely Yours

An aspect of you that is truly unique, incredibly powerful, which radiates abundance.

It’s your gift.

It’s the very best aspect of you in this life.

The gift that you came here to give others.

Whatever that may be: caring, writing, singing, business, sports, relationship, coaching, humour, cooking, comedy, wood working, being awesome…being you.

It is something you were born to give.

It’s why you came.

Benefit of Having Our Greatness Reflected

What is your greatness?

How would others describe it to you? What would they say?

Do you have someone who can hold the mirror for you? Give you the gift of having your greatness reflected back to you?

Can you give this gift to someone else?

Fill their bucket.

Remind them of their greatness.

In doing so, be prepared to have your bucket over flow as well.

What I Came Here To Do

Seeing this in my life. A dear friend shared this with me recently…

…I am here to tell people how amazing they are.

To hold up the mirror. To reflect their greatness.

When I do this, when I share this with others, I am often speaking words that seem to come from source. I don’t know where it comes from. It fills the person I am sharing with and it fills me up. A gift for both of us.

Would love to talk with you about how amazing you are.

Prepared by hand by a flawed human who cares a lot and is doing his best.

Random Missives by Kris

What if it takes 1,000 Posts?

“If success was guaranteed, what would you do…

Read more

3 months ago · 8 likes · 1 comment · Kris Smith

…the idea of putting the work in. And if we do that, success is guaranteed. (Also, you get to decide what success is.)

Do The Thing

I sit typing this in a hotel 6.5 hours from home. I have been trying to find a groove, adapting my routine (to let my son sleep), different spots in the hotel. Getting close but not getting anything “done”.

Chipping away at 4 different drafts, finding my voice elusive.

Then I saw ‘s latest post.

This reminded me of the 1,000 Posts. Something I am committed to doing. Being consistent. Even when I am pretty sure that what I am writing is mediocre.

Thanks Lori.

And thanks to for this:

The Challenge: Keeping Going

Often the hardest part can be to begin. To start.

There are times when continuing can be just as difficult.

Being consistent over a long period of time requires writing and posting when we have doubt.

Producing when we are pretty sure it’s not our best.

Posting when we feel like no one is reading. Or maybe even worse, when no one cares.

The answer remains: do the thing.

The Wrap Up

Coaching Question:

Where would you benefit from being more consistent?

What might support look like for you?

Does knowing that success is guaranteed help you to focus? To continue?

It’s okay to be a C Student.

Sometimes the win is simply doing the thing. Keep Going.

Prepared by hand by a flawed human who cares a lot and is doing his best.

The Creme Brûlée* Challenge:

• Ask a complete stranger to buy you something for more than $10

  • Examples: 2 coffees or a Creme Brûlée or a foot massage

• You can’t tell them you are on a challenge.

• Strive to be fully honest

  • For example if they ask if you have money, and you do, be honest.

• You are not allowed to reciprocate, simply be there to receive.

• What happens?

• Report back.

*My Experience

I was setup.

My coach, that sneaky and brilliant , asked if I wanted to increase my capacity to receive? Of course I do!!

Then he described the challenge above. Damn.

I had 7 days with some travel mixed in.

Of course I left it to the last day. I talked to ChatGPT and then enlisted the help of some friends to game plan.

Inevitably, I had to do the thing.

Well, actually, I did not have to do anything but the idea of getting on the call and not having attempted it was simply not an option!

During an opening early that morning, I put my plan into motion. I went directly to a local market, cafe style place in downtown Calgary. Sunterra Market in Bankers Hall. This is the fancy, shmancy, building full of lawyers and bankers and good coffee, in the heart of Calgary’s downtown.

I am looking for an item. What will it be??

After assessing sandwiches and premade meals, I decided something fun like this would be appropriate…

…I am not even a big fan of Creme Brûlée, particularly at 8 am.

Alas it solved the $10 challenge and had me chuckling a bit.

The Play by Play

• With Creme Brûlée, priced at $10.99, in hand I assess the situation.

• How do I approach a stranger and ask them to buy me something?

• I am also mindful that I am a 6”2” male and ensuring that I approach respectfully was going through my head.

• It’s a bit intrusive at the till when people are buying stuff, no time to connect.

• Many people have headphones in and/or are in a big hurry.

  • How do I get their attention?

• I began moving towards someone a couple of times and they were on their way.

• I bailed on a couple others with people next to me, looking at drink options.

• Over 20 minutes goes by…

• I can feel the clock ticking.

• I am so present. Activated. Curious. How this will go???

• I am waiting for someone…but who?

• 5 more minutes goes by…

• I finally see someone moving a bit more slowly, they are looking for something, I wonder if that’s the person? How would I possibly know?

• They are at the other end of the store. I drift over, Creme Brûlée in hand, they had gone around a corner.

• I make my way there. I position myself at the corner.

• I wonder if this is it.

• She approaches, I say “Hi!”

• “Hello” she says back.

• I am holding the Creme Brûlée…I ask her

“Will you buy this for me?”

• “Why?” she seems a bit astonished. Perhaps mildly curious?

• What do I say?! I did not have an answer…

• “Well it’s just a request.” I think that’s what I said.

“You don’t have any money?” she asks (a very logical question).

“I have money.” I reply back.

• She’s assessing.

• “Well why would I buy that for you?”

• I have no idea what to say.

• I am 100% present.

• Nothing else in the world is happening.

• I think I say,”It’s just an opportunity.”

• I smile and just kind of stand there.

She says “Okay.” !!!!!

• Takes the Creme Brûlée and and we are walking to the till.

• I am stunned. I catch myself and say “Thank you”

• I introduce myself. She is stopping in after a workout. We talk about a range of things.

• It’s lovely. I am totally present.

• At the till, she pays.

• And hands me my Creme Brûlée!

The Ripples

I thank her again for making my week.

I explain the coaching challenge and express gratitude for her support. I walk away smiling across my whole body.

For the record, I had pre-bought a $25 gift card for the store and I gave that to her. (Alas, I found out later that this was outside the rules. The idea is to receive without reciprocity (we always want to pay people back, can we simply learn receive?))

This means I am likely to try this again.

I ended up telling this story multiple times over the rest of the week.

At dinner that night, we came back to it a number of times. I had just met two business leaders/builders and started with the Creme Brûlée story…

We bonded over the reflection that we are often helping others yet seldom asking for help when we need it.

Maybe this could change?

We will all remember that conversation.

Ask the Question

Right now, the answer is no.

What do you want?

What can you ask for?

I Wonder What the Impact Was

We don’t get to know the impact we have.

The ripples we send out. I wonder how this was for the “Kind Generous Amazing Person” who bought me the Creme Brûlée!

I will never forget that Creme Brûlée and Kim for buying it for me.

Thank you.

You can take the Creme Brûlée Challenge whenever you choose!

Good luck!

Prepared by hand by a flawed human who cares a lot and is doing his best.

Late last year, my coach introduced me to the writing of another coach Gary Mahler. Gary’s Substack (link below), documents his own coaching journey with Steve Hardison.

Gary M’s Substack

My personal Substack

By glmahler

Many times, Gary’s own words as well as his reflections of his time with Steve, have hit me in the soul. As he would say, cut me to the bone with truth.

The Ultimate Example

Gary’s tales of his time with Steve induced me to go down a “Steve Hardison Rabbit Hole”. This culminated in reading his book.

Well, I should say, I read the book his wife Amy Hardison and Alan D. Thompson, wrote about Steve and his life.

Steve is one of the most unique and interesting people I have ever read about. The book tells the story of his life, early career, the evolution of coaching, and the impact he has on those that show up in his life (or who’s lives he shows up in).

The book is filled with stories and vignettes of Steve as told by his clients.

His presence, total listening, intensity, commitment, and his unwavering belief in the power that we have to create our own lives are recurring themes.

We Are Always Creating

The first time I was introduced to this idea was during the Landmark Forum.

Every word we say. Everything we think. How we act in our lives…we create ourselves and our lives.

The opportunity we all have is create the life of our dreams. To think and speak that into reality.

In other words, we manifest our lives. Good, bad, or otherwise. It’s a huge opportunity and massive responsibility.

“TBOLITNFL”

Mentioned in the book is the story of Tuaitusi ‘Duece’ Lutui. A former NFL lineman who after a chance session with Steve Hardison shifted his life with a Personal Internal Commitment (“PIC”) to be

“The Best Offensive Lineman In Ihe NFL” aka “TBOLITNFL”

This letter is a great summary and includes the email that Duece wrote back to Hardison after his session. The letter is intense and shaped the beginning of Duece’s transformation to be “TBOLITNFL”.

The story, along with Deuce’s letter, went viral in 2021.

It was so popular that Hardison made what is perhaps his only recorded, in person, presentation to tell the story again.

You can watch it here.

It’s worth the +2 hours.

Takeaway: With Personal Internal Commitment You Can Create the Life of Your Dreams

This example is an invitation to step into the potential to create a life that excites you. To live big and bold.

To do this through your words.

To do this through your actions.

To speak this into the world.

To tell others.

To write it down.

To commit.

To create the life by living as if it’s already happening.

Be it.

Gary M’s Substack

SFH 38: I AM That

I came to this session with a mission: How was I going to get into Japan with my family when COVID-19 protocols shut that country down to everyone except Japanese nationals? My wife, son, and daughter are Japanese nationals. I am Canadian. They were in, I was not. It weighed heavy on my heart. This session was of vital importance…

Read more

6 months ago · 9 likes · 7 comments · glmahler

A Comfortable Couch

It’s possible that life is pretty good right now.

You’ve worked hard. You have built your current “castle.” It’s secure, you know where everything is, and you’ve mastered the domain. Most importantly, you have a really comfortable couch right in the middle of it. You deserve to sit there. This is your zone of competence and comfort.

But then, one quiet afternoon, you happen to glance out the window.

In the distance, past the perimeter of your current life, you see something else. Perched atop a rugged mountain range is another castle. It’s bigger than your current one. It’s grander. It shines with a different kind of possibility.

It sparks a longing in you. A curiosity. “What is life like over there?”

Getting off the Couch

You try to ignore it for a while, the couch is so cozy after all, but the vision won’t leave you. The longing outweighs the comfort.

So, you stand up. You walk to the heavy oak front door of your current life, and you slowly open it.

What you see isn’t a manicured garden path leading straight to the new castle. You see a dense, untamed forest. You see rolling, intimidating hills. You see the sheer vertical climb of the mountain base.

It’s terrifying. It’s exhilarating. And you take the first step into the unknown.

The Messy Middle (The Forest)

This is the part most people don’t talk about on social media. The journey between castles is rarely a straight line.

The forest is thick. Sometimes the canopy gets so dense you lose sight of the castle on the hill entirely. You get turned around. You doubt yourself. The “comfort zone” parts of your brain start screaming, “Go back to the couch! It was warm there! Why are we doing this?”

This is the crucial breaking point. This is where many turn back.

But deep down, you know you can’t un-see the vision.

You know you’ve outgrown the old castle, even if you haven’t reached the new one yet. The new castle calls you. So you persevere.

You might need a compass, a map, or a guide (maybe a coach!!) to help you navigate the thicket, but you keep moving forward.

The Arrival and The Awe

You make it through the forest. You endure the grueling climb up the mountain path, which demands resources and resilience you didn’t know you possessed.

And then, you crest the final hill. You arrive.

It required all of you to get here, but the reward is beyond what you imagined from the window. You stroll through the halls of your new castle, your new life, in total wonderment. The tapestries are richer, the rooms are more expansive, the view is breathtaking.

You feel a profound sense of elation and capability.

Wow, life can be this amazing.

A New Couch…

Eventually, you find the most beautiful room in this new castle. It has a perfect view and the most luxurious couch you’ve ever sat on. You sink into it, put your feet up, and exhale.

You rest. You integrate.

You enjoy the magnificent reality you built.

Life is good.

Until one Tuesday, perhaps months or years later. You are sitting on that amazing couch, sipping your coffee, and you casually glance out the new window.

And way off in the distance, on an even higher peak, you see another castle...

The Wrap Up:

Coaching Question:

Where are you in this cycle right now?

• Are you deeply resting on the couch of a job well done?

• Are you currently lost in the forest, needing a compass to find the path again?

• Or have you just caught a glimpse of a new castle out the window, and you’re feeling that exciting, and maybe terrifying, itch to stand up and open the door?

Wherever you are, it’s exactly where you need to be.

But if you’re staring out the window, maybe it’s time we talked about the journey ahead.

Sidenote: my brilliant wife often helps me edit and improve these posts. She made a great point to me on this one. The castle doesn’t always need to be bigger. The mountain doesn’t always need to be steeper, higher. We can also look out the window with a desire to move towards something that is simply different, simpler, more aligned.

Thanks honey.

Gemini and Nano Banana Pro helped with the making of this post. Thank you.

It’s noisy inside your head sometimes, isn’t it?

A constant stream of demands, warnings, criticisms, conflicting desires, and sudden impulses. Most of us live our lives reacting to this noise, batting away thoughts like flies, or worse, believing every single thing our brain tells us is an absolute truth.

But what if that noise wasn’t just chaos? What if it was data?

You Are The CEO

Here is an important reframe you can make for your mental well-being and performance:

You are the CEO of your life.

The thoughts, feelings, and impulses you experience are simply “memos” delivered by your internal Executive Team.

Inside you is a vast, diverse team of sub-personalities, archetypes, and identities. They all have different jobs, different communication styles, and different agendas. But they all work for you.

The problem is that most of us have vacated the CEO chair. We let the loudest, most frantic team members run the boardroom meeting.

The Loudest Voices vs. The Wisest Counsel

You know the loud ones.

For years, I called one of my loudest team members “The Saboteur.” They were brutal. They sent me constant memos about how I was going to fail, how I wasn’t enough, and why I should stay small.

But when I stepped into the CEO role, I realized “The Saboteur” was actually just my Chief Protection Officer. Their delivery system was terrible, abusive, even if their intent was positive. They wanted to keep me safe from rejection and pain.

As CEO, I can now receive that memo without becoming activated. I can say,

“Thank you, Chief Protector. I see your memo about the risks of this new venture. I’ve noted your concerns. We are going to proceed anyway, but keep watching the perimeter.”

When you quiet the loud voices, you make space for the others. The quiet ones at the end of the table.

• The Inner Wisdom that speaks in a calm, intuitive whisper.

• The Playful Creative who wants to try something new just for the joy of it.

• The Visionary who knows exactly the man or woman you are capable of being.

These parts send crucial memos that usually get buried under the urgent paperwork of fear and obligation.

Your Internal Boardroom Roster

To lead effectively, you need to know who is sitting at your table. You need to recognize their signature memo style so you don’t mistake their voice for your own.

Below is a roster of 20 common internal team members spanning the human experience—from the protective ego to the aspirational self.

Which of these are sending you the most memos today? Which do you identify with? Do you have others?

The 20-Person Internal Executive Team

These distinct “parts” show up with different energy, intentions, and volume levels in our internal boardroom.

The Protective & Reactive Division (The Loudest Memos)

These parts often rely on fear, shame, or urgency to get the CEO’s attention.

Their intent is safety and survival, but their methods are often outdated.

1. The Chief Protection Officer (formerly The Critic/Saboteur): Sends brutal memos highlighting flaws and potential failures to prevent you from taking risks that might lead to rejection.
   

2. The Risk Averse Analyst (The Worrier): Constantly churning out reports on “Worst Case Scenarios.” Their memos are marked URGENT and plastered with red flags.
   

3. The Quality Control Obsessive (The Perfectionist): Demands impossibly high standards. Their memo is never finished; it’s always waiting for one more edit before it’s “safe” to be seen.
   

4. The People-Pleasing Liaison: Desperate to maintain external harmony. Sends memos warning you that setting a boundary will cause someone else to dislike you.
   

5. The Outraged Activist (The Reactive Defender): The part that flares up instantly when it perceives injustice or a slight against you. Memos are written in ALL CAPS and demand immediate conflict.
   

6. The Numbing Agent (The Avoider): When the boardroom gets too heated, this part suggests canceling the meeting entirely. Memos include suggestions for scrolling, snacking, or procrastinating.
   

7. The Doubting Thomas (Imposter Syndrome): The archivist who keeps detailed files on why you don’t belong in the room and when you will be “found out.”

The “Doing” & Achieving Division (The Pushy Memos)

These parts are focused on external validation, productivity, and getting things done.

8. The Relentless Driver (The Hustler): Believes your worth equals your output. Memos are endless to-do lists and warnings against rest.
   

9. The Crisis Manager (The Fixer): Loves a fire. Ignores long-term strategy memos in favor of urgent, short-term problem solving.
   

10. The Competitive Strategist: Constantly comparing your company’s performance to others. Memos focus on winning rather than value.
    

11. The Dedicated Professional: The part identified closely with your career role. Memos focus on competence, reputation, and climbing the ladder.

The Wisdom & Aspirational Division (The Quiet Memos)

These parts hold your deepest truths, creativity, and potential. They rarely shout, so the CEO must lean in to hear them.

12. The Wise Counsel (Intuition/Gut): Sends brief, clear memos that just “feel right.” Often lacks data backing but is rarely wrong.
    

13. The Visionary Strategist (Your Best Self): The keeper of the long-term blueprint. They remind you of the bigger picture and the person you are becoming.
    

14. The Compassionate HR Director: The voice of self-kindness. Sends memos reminding the CEO that the staff is tired and needs a break, advocating for grace over grind.
    

15. The Objective Observer (Mindfulness): The only person in the room not panicking. They just take minutes on what is happening without judging it. “Memo: We are noticing a lot of activity from the Risk Analyst right now.”
    

16. The Playful Innovator (Creative Inner Child): Wants to throw out the agenda and brainstorm wild ideas. Memos are colorful, messy, and full of “What if?”

The Relational & Contextual Division (The Role-Based Memos)

Aspects of us that show up in specific areas of life.

17. The Nurturing Caregiver (Parent/Partner role): Focused on the needs of others. Memos prioritize connection, safety for dependents, and domestic harmony.
    

18. The Social Connector (The Good Friend/Networker): Concerned with belonging to the tribe. Memos focus on fun, gossip, and social standing.
    

19. The Adventurous Scout: The part craving novelty and the unknown. Sends memos begging for a vacation or a new hobby.
    

20. The Wounded Intern (Vulnerable Inner Child): Holding past pains. They don’t send many memos, but when they do, the whole boardroom freezes. They need reassurance from the CEO, not logic.

The Wrap Up

Coaching Question:

If you sit quietly for five minutes right now, which team member is frantically waving a memo in your face? And which quiet team member is waiting patiently at the end of the table for you to ask their opinion?

Get back in the CEO chair. It’s time to lead.

Gemini and Nano Banana Pro helped with the making of this post. Thank you.

Seeing it Everywhere

Ever have that feeling like the Universe is trying to tell you something?

Ever start to see a theme in your life?

Lately, for me, it’s been Judgement. Judgement of myself, judgement of others. I seem to be reading it, hearing, and talking about it all over.

I have something to learn here.

When I am in judgement, it reduces me, and the world around me.

Guest Post: “Judgement”

by David Stegman (https://www.thecourageousway.com/)

Being in judgment is lethal.

Lethal to connection.

Lethal to understanding.

Lethal to curiosity.

Lethal to my neighbours.

Lethal to my loved ones.

Lethal to my heart.

Separation is lethal.

When I’m judgmental, I become dangerous.

Violently excluding others.

Turning my back.

Closing the door.

Weapons start to come out.

My armour comes online.

When I act from fear, I’m dangerous.

When I’m afraid, I’m dangerous.

When I’m stubborn, I’m dangerous.

When I put people into boxes, I’m dangerous.

When I feel judged, I’m dangerous.

My privilege makes me extra dangerous.

I can flex my unearned privileges.

My resources.

My whiteness.

My straightness.

My maleness.

My education.

My unearned sense of belonging to make others not belong.

Judgment is the poison that when I drink it as truth, I hurt people.

I hurt myself.

I hurt my communities.

I then share that poison as truth, which infects my brothers.

They hurt people.

They hurt themselves.

They hurt their communities.

And the cycle of judgments continues.

The real work is having the courage to open my heart.

Open my heart when I don’t understand.

Open my heart when I’m afraid.

Open my heart during conflict.

Open my heart to difference.

Open my heart when I’m being judged.

It’s to stop drinking the poison of judgment.

To share from my heart.

To love.

To be loved.

To be curious.

To forgive.

The world needs less judgment and more love.

We’ll all win.

-Thanks David for your permission to include this.

The Opportunity

As David so eloquently puts it, the cost of judgement is high (to self and world) and so are the benefits of reducing/eradicating judgement.

I am still working on this. Perhaps I will be for a long time.

I don’t have the answers although the first step seems to be:

Can we notice our judgement?

With that, my best guess for the second step is:

Be curious about the source of that judgement.

After that, some grace for ourselves, what’s next?

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

I do believe a world with less judgement is a better world and a version of me without judgement is a better man.

Looking Back

In the fall of 2025, I needed some help...

Random Missives by Kris

I Hired a Coach and Everything Changed

No Plan B…

Read more

6 months ago · Kris

…I wrote about hiring a coach…

…and became a Coach here at Point B.

The Last 4 Months

The following is a summary of direct quotes, paraphrases, insights, models, ideas, and notes I have made from the sessions I had with my coach:

David Stegman (https://www.thecourageousway.com/)

• The seeds planted are the work.

• We will never see 99% of the benefit.

• I am a tree, I produce the fruit. The fruit does not belong to the tree.

  • Can I just be a tree (on my path, being myself) producing fruit?

• The Value of Accountability - sugar free at Christmas!!

• Fathers are in the memory making business.

• Seeking an Extraordinary Life

• Because I want to.

  • A posture of “take it or leave it”. Not needing to explain.

• I am not for everyone.Post

When you are the happiest…money follows.

• Trap of Approval, Security, and Control

• I am creating my dream…right now.

• I am the man I aspire to be…right now.

• If you want a Big Life, you can expect Big “Problems”

• Create space, keep expanding the dream there.

• One of One

  • This is life, a series of singular moments.

• Two people can look at a cookie, a bottle of wine, a fancy car and see it totally differently.

• People have different expectations at Toyota dealerships versus Lamborgini dealerships

• I am here to be me. The world is waiting for my “me-ness”. Kris as Kris in his “Krissness”

• Empowerment Triangle:

  • Coach, Creator, Challenger

• Drama Triangle

  • Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor

• The 3 Rulers, pick the right ruler:

  • 9 to 5 Ruler: hours, days, paycheques

  • Entrepreneur Ruler: months, quarters, years

  • Investment Ruler: 1 year, 5 year, 10 year

• “Enough is your decision”

• Money is Baseball.

  • I throw money to people and I receive money from people. It’s fun to play baseball.

  • Baseballs can come from anywhere and be any size.

Substack post here.

• That way, that way…go that way.

• When choosing: Great, Great, or Great.

  • Know/Believe that every choice is a great choice.

• Every hard experience has led me to this moment, this has led me to the best I have ever been.

• Remember what you bring to the table: integrity, caring, honesty, diligence, heart openness, intensity, “Krisness”

• When the Teacher is ready, the Student appears

• The various Arcs of life. Different Arcs are starting and ending all the time.

  • Arc of having kids living under my roof is getting closer to completing.

  • Arc of marriage continues.

• Alignment ==> Misalignment ==> Growth

• Care but Don’t Carry

• Yes’s live in the land of No’s

• 168 Coins: this is how many hours we have in a week. Where are we spending our coins.

  • Our coins get more valuable over time.

  • I can buy other people’s coins and vice versa.

• Its not the load that breaks you down, it’s how you carry it. Post

• People buy from people they know, like, and trust.

• People would benefit from talking to a lampost.

  • Imagine if it being curious, inquisitive, and compassionate?

• People will only go as deep as you go.

• The Mirror: Clients will start showing up with exactly what you are working on.

• What do I have to give up to go up? Post

• Progress over Perfection.

• 2 Millimeters…can change everything.

• The Good Farmer

  • Seasons of life.

  • Preparing the land.

  • Planting seeds.

  • Tending the seeds.

  • Harvesting the crops.

• The Boardroom

• The 2 Lists : the Shit List and the Good List

• The Keyboard: we tend to push the same 3 buttons over and over. Can we expand our range and push different buttons?

• …there’s more and will leave it here for now.

The Impact

My life is heading in a direction that I was not contemplating in September.

I find myself expanding in ways I thought possible yet could not get access to. Getting to the heart of the issues and the heart of myself. Remembering who I am. How I want to live.

Remembering that I came here to be me. Me in my “Me-ness”. Kris as Kris.

I am so grateful for David’s support, his insights, and the value of these weekly calls. I struggle to find the words to express the impact on my life of this good man, amazing, coach, and dear friend. Thank you David…

…until our next call.

The Big Questions

Ever asked yourself…

“Who am I?”

“What am I doing here?”

or something like, “What am I supposed to do with my life?”

Did you get the answer?

(If so, I would LOVE to hear from you.)

I didn’t realize this, intellectually, when we moved out of the city, to an acreage on the side of a mountain. When I look back, I see now exactly what was happening.

I was asking these questions. Seeking the answers.

We* moved in pursuit of this.

(*Such immense gratitude for my beloved wife saying “yes” yet again.)

It Can Take Time

It has taken over a decade. More than one dark day of the soul. Many instances of staring into the abyss (and having it stare back). Me returning again and again to the edges of my self. Fumbling around in the wilderness…

…five years on the acreage, and finally or maybe right on time, in 2025, the pieces fell into place.

Do the Thing

Part of this has been to get comfortable being uncomfortable making things and sharing them. I am still pretty uncomfortable and I am continuing forward.

“Be a C student.”

Unsolicited advice: Post work that you are mildly embarrassed of. And then do it again. And again.

Keep Going. Share your “you-ness”.

Start, Stop, Fail, Repeat

Over that decade, I have been trying to get it out, to put it into the world. A failed blog, a pretty cool family travel blog with my wife, a podcast (someday this will be revisited), and then finally Substack making it so easy to just begin again.

So I began again.

I needed to go through these spurts. The start then stop. The “failures”.

To find the thing and the way to do the thing and the place to put the thing.

Open the Grip

When I started with my Coach, I knew there was something in me working it’s way out.

Yet, there was a tightness in me. I was gripping. I was serious. Intense. I wondered “am I doing this right”. This often kept me from doing anything.

I am still too serious AND I can feel a shift.

To make progress, I needed some help.

Having a weekly call has made it possible to have this reflected back to me. To help me remember. To bring me back to what it is I am trying to say. The direction I am going.

When I get out of my way, relax, open, smile, and receive…I can bring this through me.

I can find these rare moments when what I am trying to say, or what IT is trying to say, come through. This can happen here at Point B, or in Random Missives, or Top 3.

Endless Possibility

David introduced me to another coach Gary Mahler, who’s Substack (link below), documents his own coaching journey with Steve Hardison.

Gary M’s Substack

My personal Substack

By glmahler

Many times, Gary’s words and reflections and recounting’s of time with Steve, have hit me in the Soul. As he would say, cut me to the bone with truth.

All of this is to say that something has changed. In me.

The value of weekly calls with my coach David.

The words that Gary expresses so beautifully.

The generosity and brilliance of angels like Cathy Heller and Connor Beaton and Boyd Varty.

Grateful for all of this help.

Truly excited about what is emerging.

There is a different way forward than I once believed.

For the holidays we made the return journey. The 900 kilometer, 11ish hour, drive to see family through the snow on icy winter roads.

In my family, over the holidays, sugar is a food group. There are desserts that have been served my entire life. For example, my mom makes the most amazing mini-cheesecakes. Eating them is like eating my childhood* (Update Below).

This year, after committing to it, I did not eat sugar. At all.

Seems minor after the fact, however this broke a multi-decade struggle.

With the proper support, I was able to shift this from unthinkable to part of my identity.

The Value of Accountability

As the week went by, with larger and more amazing desserts on offer, my capacity to say “no, thank you” increased. I grew in my resolve and my satisfaction with holding my posture increased.

I slept better while away (always tricky). My body was happier.

This was made possible by having an agreement in place. By being in accountability with another person.

I paid someone else, my coach, to hold me accountable.

And it worked…really well. It was easier than I expected.

Going Forward

As we head into 2026, this has me thinking about what I really want and how to get that. The catalyst of this intention was an ongoing sugar addiction and finding some space from that.

I can see what’s possible again. I am reminded of how it feels (good) to keep things a bit cleaner. My brain actually feels better, my body less inflamed. I can feel my relationship with food shifting. So grateful.

What else is “unthinkable” that I can shift in my identity?

What about for you?

Offer: Let me know if there is anything you might want some accountability with.

*I Struggle With Food

I recognize for many, no sugar over the holidays may not be a big deal. For me, food is one of the toughest challenges I face. Sugar in particular.

I am adding this part after me wife reminded why this was such a big deal: I was very overweight as a kid.

For you 80’s kids, I was Chunk from the Goonies.

A few fond memories from many years ago:

• Pee Wee Football Weigh-in (Grade 5, so about 11 years old).

  • The scene: shabby Junior High gymnasium, a couple hundred kids waiting to be weighed, me on a scale up on stage. The cutoff is 125 pounds.

  • The guy working the scale calls for “QUIET!” and then “We may have a cut here!”

  • The gym falls silent, you can hear a pin drop except the clicking of the metal scale weights (I actually had no idea what was happening) as he calibrated how heavy I was.

  • Gratefully??! I weighed 122.5 pounds, just under the line.

  • I was the heaviest kid in the league.

• I have cried in change rooms while the pant sizes kept getting larger and larger.

• I have dreaded change rooms and swimming pools and dressing rooms.

• Food is how I salved myself. I could eat my way to some kind of peace. Rows of Chips Ahoy cookies dipped in milk...

So it’s a big deal. Proud of successfully navigating a sugar free Christmas.

Kris

The Butterfly

Another brilliant thought from Maya Angelou.

We love the butterflies, we forget what it takes to become one. We might even look down on the stages leading up to it.

The Caterpillar

• Simple: Eat, grow, repeat

• Survival-focused, instinct-driven

• No hint of wings…nothing “beautiful” is apparent. No sign of potential.

The Chrysalis

• The caterpillar’s body breaks down into a cellular soup

• Old structures dissolve

• Imaginal cells (previously suppressed) survive and reorganize

• The organism is vulnerable, motionless, exposed

• Total loss of form. Not refinement. Totally “in between”.

• No choice. Not going back.

Emergence (Struggle is not optional):

• The butterfly must struggle out of the cocoon.

• That struggle forces fluid into the wings.

• Without it, the wings do not function…the only option is to keep going. To keep struggling.

No Choice:

• The caterpillar has no choice, aside from death.

• The caterpillar is born to become the butterfly - it’s made for it.

• There is no Plan B. And it requires being totally undone to get there.

To Become a Butterfly

1. A willingness to be undone

You become a butterfly by letting old identities fall apart.

• Beliefs dissolve

• Roles collapse

• Certainties evaporate

This is why transformation feels like grief.

2. Time in the dark

The chrysalis is:

• lonely

• quiet

• misunderstood

• invisible

Growth here is internal.
Nothing looks impressive from the outside.

3. Protection of what’s emerging

Imaginal cells are attacked at first.
The old system tries to destroy the new one.

In human terms:

• doubt attacks new values

• old habits resist change

• environments pull you back

Becoming requires defending the fragile new self before it’s strong.

4. Struggle, not rescue

When someone “cuts open the cocoon,” the butterfly dies.

In other words:

• shortcuts rob us of strength

• avoidance weakens capacity

• rescue prevents integration

What feels cruel is often necessary.

5. A different way of living

Butterflies do not crawl better.
THEY FLY.

Transformation isn’t improvement — it’s a new mode of being.

We love butterflies, we forget the process

Because the process involves:

• confusion

• vulnerability

• not knowing who you are

• loss of status or certainty

• emotional exposure

We want the wings without the “in between”, the being undone.

Coaching Reframe:

To become a butterfly, you must consent to being a caterpillar no longer, to be undone, and then survive the season where you are neither.

That “in-between” is not failure.

It’s formation.